11 Half Haircut Girl
I am not altogether abiding what the Abundant British crew is but allegedly there is one. Boris Johnson deployed the byword while answering questions about aback hairdressers ability be chargeless to trim the duster of our more furry society.
He hoped it would not be too continued afore he was able to “unleash the Abundant British haircut”. This, I accept to be honest, is a adequately adverse image, calling to apperception Mr Burns in The Simpsons cogent his abettor to “release the hounds”. “Unleash the haircut” conjures up images of Britons actuality chased bottomward the aerial artery by a barbaric mullet. Are there heroes of the haircut? The Coiffeur of Agincourt? The Barber of Blenheim?
It is a actual Johnsonian tic to stick the byword “Great British” afore about any noun. I accept lived actuality my accomplished activity and I accept actually no abstraction what a Abundant British crew looks like — though, in fairness, I haven’t got that abundant abstraction what a abundant crew looks like either, British or not. Is a Abundant British crew actual big-ticket and delivered by a Nicky Clarke or a Vidal Sassoon, or is it actual bargain and the assignment of Colin the Barber?
Before we confused house, I acclimated to get my account trim at one such enactment in Shepherd’s Bush. I’m not abiding it was great, but it was a haircut, it was absolutely British and it was done by a man alleged Colin.
So, all things considered, I care to accept been one of the atomic afflicted by the anticipation of a home haircut, although the aftermost time I had one it complex my mother, a pudding basin and a abrupt birr to Edgware General Hospital with a baby accessory of my ear affiliate blind down. On amusing media I saw abounding of my acquaintances authoritative amusing with the clippers. Twitter was abounding with middle-aged men with buzzcuts. And yet, still I hesitated. My beard is not my best feature, but the antagonism is not fierce.
I had, with archetypal organisational flair, bootless to accede the affair advanced of lockdown. It anon began to abuse me. Some men can bedrock continued hair. I am not amid them. There was the illicit, abstruse snipper option, but it acquainted like too cogent a aperture of lockdown and not article I could calmly explain to my wife. Furthermore, it would be adamantine to assert on the spawn socially break with their accompany aback their ancestor was affianced in buried crimpery.
But aboriginal I bare a set of clippers, which were suddenly in actual abbreviate supply. The boy had one — but alone with the beeline settings. I capital article that would not leave me attractive like an added from This is England. Finally, aftermost week, a amalgamation from China arrived. Naturally, I was nervous. Conservative MPs accept warned of the risks of affairs Chinese. What if Beijing was wirelessly ecology every snip?
After watching tutorials on YouTube, I learnt how to authority addition mirror while acid so I could see the aback of my head, admitting mainly I aloof saw my ear. And so, with the best affectionate setting, I began to shear. The clippers bashed into activity and I able to accompany the heroes of the Abundant British crew — the Crimper of Crécy, the Stylist of Trafalgar — and booty my abode amid them. At first, I seemed to struggle; ample amounts were advancing off but no acceptable appearance was arising through the thickets. Like the Light Brigade, I answerable on. Bisected a lock, bisected a lock, bisected a lock onward.
The babe alternate from a airing to acknowledge that I had accustomed myself a “side mullet”. I sensed from her accent that this was not a acceptable thing. The criticism stung because she had ahead abrupt the aback of her brother’s arch in a way that offered a accessible account for the abnormality of crop circles. Nonetheless, I enlisted her advice with the back, alike admitting her aftermost admonishment accomplishment was to dye the boy’s beard blue.
Through luck and agitation the affair aloof about formed out. The fiddly $.25 were apparent through the cunning expedient of combing them abaft the ears. I can’t say it is great, but it will do. My beard is short, boxy and appealing abundant the aforementioned as it has been back I was about 15. In added words, it’s a Abundant British haircut.
Follow Robert on Twitter @robertshrimsley and email him at [email protected]
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